


But the Lights Go Out

by irishavalon



Series: Visions Made of Flesh and Light [2]
Category: Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, But IW isn't out yet, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid Loki (Marvel), Hurt/Comfort, Loki-centric, No one's dead but they think the character's dead, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Pre-Slash, Takes place during Infinity Wars, Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 10:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13211499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irishavalon/pseuds/irishavalon
Summary: " “Can you see him?” Loki asks the all-seeing Asgardian without thinking. “Can you see my brother?” He needs to know. He just needs to know for sure that there’s no more hope.Heimdall looks at Loki sadly, then out at the great expanse of space again. He is silent for a moment, but then he sighs and shakes his head. The world comes crashing down on Loki all over again, and he can barely keep himself upright. If Heimdall cannot see Thor, then all is lost. Thor is truly gone forever."After Thanos attacks the ship, Loki is left to guide the Asgardians alone.





	But the Lights Go Out

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a partial quote from Richard Siken's "Saying Your Names." The full quote is "We are not traitors but the lights go out."
> 
> Because the Infinity Wars trailer has wrecked me.

And then everything falls apart. Loki follows the screams echoing through the spaceship, running against the tide of the homeless Asgardians fleeing to what little safety can be had in such a closed space. It’s against his nature to be running  _ towards _ danger, a mad inclination usually reserved to his more reckless brother. The lights overhead flash; of course, Loki’s idiot of a brother is already in the face of death, stupidly trying to defend his people instead of fleeing.

Loki’s heart is in his throat as he sprints toward the bowels of the ship. He’s supposed to be helping the Valkyrie and Bruce get the people to safety. But Thor is crazy, he knows nothing about Thanos, not the way Loki does. Loki tried to dissuade him from fighting instead of retreating, tried to tell him what Thanos is like. But Thor, that foolhardy warrior, refused to listen. And now Loki is following him into Hell, and when on earth has that become Loki’s way? He has no idea what he’ll do when he finds them; part of him worries the mere sight of Thanos will throw him into a panic attack. All he knows is that he has no intention of giving up the Tesseract. Thor would kill him if he handed it over to the manic giant, if his brother didn’t kill him for having the Tesseract in the first place.

At last, Loki turns a corner and finds himself face to face with the Titan. Between him and the brutish madman stands Thor-- electricity pulsing all around him in a thrilling display of power-- and a thick, bumpy, oddly-colored floor. Loki’s stomach drops when he realizes that what he thought was the floor is bodies, tens, hundreds of dead Asgardians crumpled on the ground. Loki murmurs an oath at the terrible sight. He raises his eyes once more to the fight in front of him, just in time to see Thanos grab Thor by his head, the lightning flickering out of the Thunder God’s body extinguished as if by a sudden shortage. Thor’s yell of pain is drowned out by screaming, and it is a moment before Loki realizes that the screams are coming from his own lips. 

Thanos sees him first, and his face splits into a wicked grin. He holds Thor aloft by his skull, so Thor can see Loki. “Say goodbye to your traitorous brother, God of Thunder.” He laughs, and flings Thor through a hole in the ship.

“Thor!” Loki shouts, but the golden-haired god is gone.  _ No no no no no _ . Loki’s denial is a drumroll in his head as he stares at the gaping hole in the steel where his brother was thrown. 

“Now, my obedient servant,” Thanos says, and it’s all Loki can do to tear his gaze away from the spiralling glimpse of space and watch Thanos approaching him, stepping over bodies with the abandon of a child walking through an ant hill. “You have something I desire.”

Loki makes the decision in an instant. Thor would kill him, but his brother’s last words to him echo in his head. “I’ll hold him off, you get the people to safety. They’re your responsibility now, brother.” If he can’t protect his brother, he’ll protect his brother’s people. With his last breath, just like Thor. Loki lets out a slow breath; at long last he is his brother’s equal. 

He steps over the dead, more carefully than the Mad Titan, summoning an object from his pocket dimension. He lifts the Tesseract up to Thanos, his hand shaking only slightly. “It’s yours,” he says, keeping his voice steady and strong. “Take it and get the hell out of here.”

Thanos looks him up and down. “No tricks this time?” he says skeptically.

Loki flashes him a smile; it tugs painfully at his face muscles. “No tricks. You have my word.”

“Your word is not worth much,” Thanos says, but he takes the Tesseract and places it in a cavity in the golden gauntlet he wears. Then he turns and stomps off, through the same tear in the ship as Thor. Loki watches him go, listens as his ship passes on, and then space is silent once more. 

He must repair the ship. He must, or this will all be for naught. Thor will have died for nothing if the people die because of a damaged ship. He casts the strongest shield he can manage, the fibers of the magic weaving together with the bent and shredded edges of the steel, and then he falls to his knees, staring out at the great expanse of stars and blackness. Thor’s body is nowhere in sight, and Loki gasps at the choking pain in his chest when the words finally enter his mind.  _ Thor is dead. _

Of all the times Loki’d hurt Thor, of all the times he’d tried to take the throne from him, take over his beloved Midgard, turn their parents and people against him, Loki had never wanted this. Not really. He’d been but a child then, sure of what he wanted, careless of how he got it. But when he finally ruled over Asgard, albeit in disguise, it hadn’t been enough. It had gotten boring very quickly, without his brother to bully and tease and fight. 

And now. He’d been trying to be better, trying to earn his spot at Thor’s side, trying to regain the people’s trust. It had been slow going at first, and many times he’d been tempted to run, or turn on the person he was helping, or play a practical not-quite-joke (like stab someone), but then he’d catch Thor’s gaze from across the room, and his brother would smile at him encouragingly and with pride. Loki hated the warm feeling it gave him to have his brother’s attention and approval, resented the returning smile that tugged at his lips. 

But now Thor is gone, he is dead.  _ “Say goodbye to your traitorous brother,”  _ Thanos had said before murdering him.  _ Traitorous _ , he had called Loki. Had Thor’s last thoughts been a realization that Loki had the Tesseract? That Thanos had found them because of Loki? That this battle, this  _ massacre _ , wasn’t just Loki’s fault, but Loki’s intention, his endgame? Loki shudders at the thought. 

_ Never, Thor. _ But even that is a lie. For centuries, Loki’s very personality revolved around betraying Thor at every and any opportunity. How could a few weeks on a spaceship change the habit of a lifetime? Thor thinks Loki’s betrayed him yet again. Thor  _ thought _ , Loki corrects his thoughts, the pain in his chest searing again at the tense.  _ Thor is dead. _

“Loki?” a voice drags him away from the spiralling of his thoughts. He swipes quickly at his eyes before standing and turning to face Heimdall. Heimdall looks at the hole in the ship, held together by Loki’s shimmering magic, and then at Loki, his golden eyes tired and full of sorrow. 

“Can you see him?” Loki asks the all-seeing Asgardian without thinking. “Can you see my brother?” He needs to know. He just needs to know for sure that there’s no more hope.

Heimdall looks at Loki sadly, then out at the great expanse of space again. He is silent for a moment, but then he sighs and shakes his head. The world comes crashing down on Loki all over again, and he can barely keep himself upright. If Heimdall cannot see Thor, then all is lost. Thor is truly gone forever.

Heimdall steps towards Loki and rests a hand on Loki’s shoulder. “Come, my boy.” he says. “The people are waiting.”

_ “They’re your responsibility, now.” _

  
  
  


Loki stands before the crowd of Asgardians, looking again like they had that first night on the ship, cowering and tired and frightened, mourning the loss of friends and relatives taken by Hela and her undead warriors. Loki glances at Heimdall, carefully keeping the nerves from their expression. Heimdall nods, and the anguished murmurings of the refugees quiet. They watch Loki expectantly. Loki breathes in. They summon the memory of Thor, standing before their people that first night. In two days, Thor had lost his father, the sister he never knew he had, his eye, his long hair (that symbol of his love for his sibling), and his home. Yet Thor had been strong for their people, his voice and strength calming them and restoring their hope for survival. At last, Thor was the leader Odin had believed he would be, the vision of a king that Loki, knowing their brother’s immaturity, had once scoffed at. Loki swallows back the tears, and draws on the memory of Thor’s strength.

“The threat has passed,” they say steadily. “Thanos has taken many of our loved ones from us, our king among them.” Gasps come from those who hadn’t realized Thor’s death would be the only reason Loki would be speaking to them with authority. Loki hears a few of the women weeping; they allow the people their moment of grief before they continue. “King Thor would want us to continue on, to care for each other, and to set our sights on the opportunity for a new home.” Out of the corner of their eye, they see Korg nod in agreement; the little sign of solidary encourages them to continue. “We will care for our wounded, continue with the duties of life on the ship, and stay the course for Midgard. We will rebuild, we will fulfill the dream King Thor had for a New Asgard, free of the lies and deceits of the Old. Long live the king.”

“Long live the king!” The people respond. 

Loki hopes Thor would approve.

  
  
  


By day, Loki survives on autopilot. They oversee the repair of the ship, though being in that cavernous space makes them want to flee more than anything. But they know they can’t escape the memory of Thor falling through space, his scarlet cape billowing around him as he vanishes from Loki’s sight, can never run from the sound of Thor’s yell or the screaming from Loki’s lungs. They can never get away from the sensation of their entire consciousness collapsing in on itself as the one person who’d ever understood them, the one person who forgave them and loved them without condition, vanished forever. They can’t escape any of this, for it lives inside them forever. 

They watch the workers and give orders or suggestions, but they cannot hear the roar and grind from the tools, or the calls from one person to another. The memory of Thor’s voice fills their ears, deafening the living world around them.

_ “Are you my brother or my sister today?” _

_ “Never doubt that I love you.” _

_ “You’re late.” _

_ “I mourned you.” _

_ “You are mine.” _

When the repairs are finished, Loki visits the wounded in the makeshift medical ward. The healers move from bed to bed, assisting where they can, comforting where they can’t. A plump blond woman smiles at Loki when they come in. They start on the other side of the room from the other healers, casting healing magic or clasping hands. One old man with his arm in a sling smiles gratefully at Loki and calls them “Highness.” The man has one eye. It takes all of Loki’s strength to return the smile and cast a small spell to ease the pain instead of vanishing to their room to nurse the ache in their chest. The man thanks them; they move on to the next patient.

They can’t decide if they’re drowning or burning.

Loki only eats when Bruce or the Valkyrie throws an apple or roll or block of cheese at her. Thor’s friends are odd, with Bruce still tentative around her after returning to his human state, and Valkyrie speaking in cold, clipped tones to her when they see each other. But Loki would be starving herself if they weren’t watching over her, and she feels grateful to these two with whom she has developed a strange relationship. 

After a week (if one can call it a week in the darkness and desolation of barren space), Loki stops asking Heimdall if he can see Thor. The stubborn hope that had possessed her at first, that maybe Heimdall had somehow missed Thor the first time he looked, is dead now. She must be realistic, set a course for Earth in the hopes that the planet and its people will still be welcoming of Thor’s legacy and people, even without his presence to smooth things over between the two races. 

She hopes Heimdall and Bruce will be enough as ambassadors for her displaced people. She can’t stay here for them; she knows that. Without Thor’s protection, the Avengers and people of Midgard would kill her on sight. She will leave as soon as the ship touches down in Norway, on that cliff she’d last seen the Allfather, where Thor had hoped to set down the roots for New Asgard. It’s not that she fears the prospect of death at the hands of the Avengers; it would come as a blessing to be free of the debilitating anguish and guilt gnawing at her unceasingly. But she knows her presence could be harmful to the prospect of the Asgardians finding sanctuary on Earth, and the effort will be difficult enough without Thor as a go-between. 

She tells no one of her plan, not even Heimdall and Bruce, who play pivotal roles in the scheme. She only speaks when it is required of her as Thor’s heir. She plays his part well; after all, she has been watching her brother for centuries, watching their father for just as long (as an example of how  _ not _ to rule a nation). She keeps the pain buried deep inside during the day, even though everyone seems to want to remember Thor, even though every inch of this blasted Sakaarian ship reminds Loki of her brother. 

At night, in the privacy of his room, it is a different story. Most nights, Loki barely sleeps. He can’t. He hates how much Thor’s death has destroyed him, tearing his insides to ribbons. He sits in the center of his unmade bed, his knees drawn up to his chest, his arms around his legs. He buries his face in his knees and smothers the violent sobs that wrack his body. Despite its reputation of being Sakaarian, the ship does not have soundproof chambers, and the prospect of Heimdall seeing Loki from his own room is unbearable enough without the other Asgardians hearing their leader weak and weeping through the night. 

Many nights, he sits in the same position, biting down hard on his hand to keep himself quiet, the tears streaming down his cheeks. He’s still, but for the shuddering sobs, unable to block the barrage of memories escaping the tiny corner of his brain into which he’d locked them during the day. Without distraction, he can’t keep the painful thoughts at bay. 

If he does sleep, it is only for a few hours, for it is not peaceful rest. Loki dreams of Thor’s death over and over, dreams of his time in captivity and being tortured on Thanos’s ship. At least Thor died before Thanos could have his way with him. In his nightmares, Loki’s imagination gives Thor’s face a look of shock, of anger, of disappointment, as he realizes Loki has the Tesseract.

_ “No, Thor!” Loki cries when he sees the look on his brother’s face. “I didn’t take it for him! I took it to guard it against him! Please believe me, brother!” _

_ Thor’s shocked, sorrowful face transforms into one of spitting rage. “You are no brother of mine. You are a monster.” The words echo in Loki’s head as Thanos laughs and tosses Thor out of the ship like a ragdoll. _

_ A monster. A monster. A monster. _

Loki awakens from these dreams with a jolting gasp, his face soaking with cold sweat and hot tears. On these nights, he lies awake for hours in a tight, trembling ball. Sleep will not reclaim him.

  
  


At last, the day of arrival comes. Loki feels some relief, but they know that the pain will not leave them when they take their leave of their people. The aching in their chest (and everywhere, really) is a part of them now; it follows them everywhere they go. 

Loki stands to the side as the ship slowly lands on the Norwegian coast. The others, Bruce, the Valkyrie, Heimdall, stand at the front window, the one that until lately has only opened to the starry panorama of space. 

They will leave when the ship sets down. They’ll sneak away in the excitement; no one will notice. Nor will the people notice the tiny escape pod soaring up from behind the ship, into the cloud cover and off into space. They’ll be gone hours before anyone more than Heimdall notices they’re gone. They don’t know where they will go; not back to Sakaar, that much is certain. Maybe there is a small planet somewhere, still undiscovered and unsettled. They’ll be King of their own little world. Population: Loki, the God of Mischief, of Stories, of Betrayals, of Running-Away-From-Responsibilities. It will be perfect.

“Wait, is that--?” Bruce says suddenly, leaning closer to the glass. “Oh, my God.”

Loki does not follow his gaze; surely Bruce is merely seeing his friends. When Earth came into sight, he and Heimdall had contacted S.H.I.E.L.D to tell them they were coming. Perhaps the Iron Man or Black Widow have tagged along to welcome Bruce home. 

But then the Valkyrie lets out a gasp, leaning forward, too. “Loki!” they look up to see her grinning at them. Has she  _ ever _ smiled at them? “Come here.”

Loki waves a hand at her. “The Avengers don’t want to see me, I can assure you of that.” they say. She doesn’t understand; Loki and Midgardians -- the two don’t mix. 

Valkyrie doesn’t look away from them. Loki thinks they see tears in her eyes; that’s strange. “One of them probably does.”

Intrigued, Loki makes themself invisible to those outside the ship (can’t have S.H.I.E.L.D shooting at a ship full of refugees who have already lost so much). They approach the window, at the Valkyrie’s shoulder, and look out. They have to do a double take.  _ It can’t be _ . It’s got to be some sort of fever-dream, some vision borne out of grief. They’re having another nightmare; he’ll disappear in the next minute. 

He doesn’t disappear.

Loki gently pushes the Valkyrie out of the way. Any other time, they’d find themselves in a chokehold for pushing this woman, but she’s too shocked to react. She’s watching Loki step closer to the glass, rest their hand on the window, as if they could step through it and into his arms in a breath. Loki doesn’t notice they’re being watched. They can see no one but him.

He’s looking for something, someone. Who is he looking for?  _ I’m right here _ , Loki thinks vainly. But Coulson (didn’t they kill him?) and Fury are not looking at them, and they should be. Loki remembers they are invisible to those on the ground. Loki shifts the magic, making themself visible to all inside the ship -- and one outside. 

At last Thor, in all his blond-haired, bearded, one-eyed glory, can catch sight of Loki. His grin is blinding, and for a second the sky darkens and thunder claps. Fury turns to glare at Thor, but the clouds are already clearing, and Loki can’t help the grin spreading over their face. The last time Thor had unconsciously summoned lightning because of Loki, he’d been furious. The look on Loki’s brother’s face now is one of pure, unbridled joy, and Loki both loves and hates that they are the reason for that look.

But none of that matters.  _ He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive.  _ Loki could sing, could cheer, could leap out of the descending ship. They don’t, they just stare and stare at their brother,  _ alive _ and  _ okay _ . And Thor stares and stares back. Like he missed them.

  
  
  


Heimdall and the Valkyrie lead the people out of the ship and onto the green, green, so very green moor below. Loki remains in the ship, waiting, cursing themself for the tears they keep having to blink away. 

When the people finally catch sight of the king they’d thought dead, a roaring, whooping cheer goes up from outside the ship. Loki can’t help but laugh with joy.  _ He’s alive, he’s alive, he’s alive. _ So much mourning, so many tears, so many nights of terrors and pain and heartbreak, and now no more. For somehow, by some miracle, Thor is  _ alive _ . 

They listen to Thor happily greeting his people, imagining him clasping hands and patting heads and accepting hugs. Loki wants so much to join the reunion, but they know S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers will kill them soon as look at them while Thor is distracted. No, much as they hate it, they need Thor’s protection in this. Hopefully not for too long; they suppose Thor has prepared the Midgardian heroes somewhat for their arrival.

At last, they hear Thor speak to Fury, louder than necessary, but loud enough for Loki to hear him out of sight in the main area of the ship. “I’m going to inspect the ship. I’ll just be a few minutes.”

“We can send someone to help you.” Fury says.  _ Blast that man. _

“That is all right; I can manage.” Thor replies.  _ Bless  _ this  _ man _ .

Loki waits as they hear Thor’s heavy footfalls on the entry ramp.

“Ah, Loki, you are a sight for sore eyes,” His booming, jovial voice precedes him into the room, and then Loki catches sight of their brother once more. The sound of his voice again is too much; Loki’s breath catches, and they feel tears slowly course their way down their cheeks.

“Or sore eye, rather,” Thor corrects, flashing a self-deprecating half smile. Loki lets out a short, wet laugh. 

“Thor,” they whisper at last, unable to keep the joy, shock, and relief out of their voice. Thor smiles again at them; Loki’s heart aches with happiness. “I thought you were dead.”

“Come here,” Thor murmurs, and Loki has to try hard not to run to him. They walk carefully toward their brother.

But they can’t smother the cry that leaves their lips when they finally touch Thor again, wrapping their arms around his neck and burying their head in his shoulder. Thor kisses their cheek; his beard scratches their face and it would have been intolerable in another era. But now Loki has to swallow demands that he do it again. 

“Who are you today?” Thor whispers fondly in their ear. Damn his consideration; the tears thicken at the question they never thought they’d hear again.

“Your sibling. Your sibling. Great skies above, Thor! You’re alive, how the hell are you alive?”

They pull away, staring disbelievingly into Thor’s face. Thor smiles at them. “That, my dear sibling, is a very, very long story. I will tell you all of it, but we must go now. I have cleared the way for you, but some of the Midgardians have questions for you. Stark especially.”

Loki takes a step away from Thor. They look at their feet, feeling the tears still falling down their face. There is a sour taste in their mouth.

“I do not deserve their pardon.”

“What are you talking about? You saved our people! Twice!” Thor says. 

“At what cost, Thor? He has it; Thanos has the Tesseract. I took it to keep it away from him,” Loki explains quickly before Thor can interrupt. “But when he threw you from the ship, I thought you were dead, and I… I had no choice. I had to give it to him, or he would have killed all of the remaining Asgardians. I couldn’t let that happen; I promised to keep them safe. I’m sorry, I didn't want to betray you. Not anymore.”

“Loki.” Thor says, finally interrupting Loki’s rapid explanation. He closes the distance between them again and places his hands on Loki’s shoulders. “Loki. You did the right thing.  _ Yes _ , you did,” he adds quickly when Loki opens their mouth to protest. “You did the right thing.”

“For once in my life,” Loki says, trying to smile. Thor smiles back.

“You’ve done more than that. You saved the people, you guided them, you brought them to Midgard, despite everything. I’m proud, Loki. Proud of  _ you _ .” And he looks proud, too, the gleam in his eyes and the wide smile on his lips.

Loki feels themself flush. “Stop that,” they say, but they smile, too. 

“Come, let’s get this interrogation over with, shall we?” Thor says, putting his arm around Loki’s shoulders and guiding them out of the ship.

Loki thinks they can undergo anything the Midgardians have for them.


End file.
